Crossing the International Date Line
As China becomes a global melting pot, hearts are melting across the cultural divide

"We didn't understand each other very well at all in the beginning," Bella admits. "We celebrated our first Valentine's Day on a park bench sipping a pearl tea with two straws, whispering sweet nothings - literally. Those early dates were a mixture of broken English, charades and diving for the dictionary, and yet we had more fun and felt more comfortable with each other than we had ever felt before."

As Shanghai becomes a worldly melting pot, it is hardly surprising that things are heating up between local and not-so-local residents. Love is blind - and deaf and mute at times, and the increasing chance here to study, work and meet people from across the globe is seeing people from all over fall all over each other as Cupid flings arrows into global glutes.

A study conducted last year by the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau and East China Normal University found that the number of locally registered marriages between Shanghainese and foreigners or non-mainland Chinese jumped over 700 per cent from 396 couples in 1980 to 2,690 in 2002. The highest growth in mixed marriages took place between 1981 and 1985 as China opened to the outside world and a bevy of local women rushed into foreign relationships often dreaming of a passport to riches. Many of these marriages were quick to end.

"The desire for economic gain or the ability to go abroad is sometimes more of a factor than any real love or mutual understanding," says Ding Jinhong, director of the University's Population Research Institute. "I would say loveless marriages still exist though the number is in decline."

The tide began to turn after 1985 as overseas investment flooded Shanghai, more foreigners came to work here and there were more opportunities to meet and communicate. Mixed marriages enjoyed greater stability with a narrowing in the gaps between age, education and language, plus more newlyweds choosing to call Shanghai home.

According to the survey, Shanghainese have married people from more than 40 countries and regions. Among foreign spouses, forty per cent are Japanese; overseas Chinese as well as those from Hong Kong, Macao and Taiwan account for nearly 38 per cent; while Americans, Australians and Europeans make up 6.3, 5.4 and 3.9 per cent respectively.

Still, a great deal of mystery still surrounds intercultural relationships. In their books How To Marry A Western Woman and How To Marry A Western Man, authors David Marriott and Kyle Lacroix aim to reveal to Chinese readers certain attitudes and social customs that can influence a Chinese-Western romance. They encourage Chinese men to be bolder in mixed relationships and expose 'Western wolves', as well as offering tips on sexy lingerie and how to acquire a taste for cheese. But the goal is understanding, more than sameness - since for many exoticism is part of the attraction. Even within a culture, opposites have been known to attract.

It's all very well for those riding high on feel-good endorphins, but parents, friends and social busybodies often harbour mixed feelings about intercultural relationships. In an online survey of over 100 that's shanghai personals users - admittedly an open-minded segment of the population - respondents were overwhelming in their acceptance of intercultural dating as long as there are mutual values and respect. Seventy-five per cent of the participants had been on dates with foreigners and 87 per cent said they would marry into another culture. "It's not about marrying the race, it's about the person," said one respondent. And yet there were notable reservations. "Dating is cool, but not marriage," was one reply as was the more metaphorical "Why let rich water flow to another's field?" More than half the respondents admitted that society can be critical of intercultural relationships. "I don't think I will marry a foreigner. Cultural differences are still major obstacles. If there are so many differences between a couple, there will be too many uncertainties in the marriage," says 24-year-old Xiao Zhu.

And what are these so-called 'cultural differences', that insidious often bandied-about phrase that sends a shiver down the spine of every intercultural lover? Language is the first major concern usually voiced by those who have never experienced the fun of enacting essential emotions and finding special ways to communicate thoughts without resorting to cliches or using weasel words to tweak the truth. But make no mistake, couples that can communicate have a much better chance of staying together and words are great tools for expressing subtleties such as "I will flay you alive if you don't throw out your pizza box collection."

Many local parents are concerned that a foreign partner will not respect traditional Chinese family values. "I hear that foreigners are very independent whereas we like to live together with our extended family in our old age. I wouldn't want to end up in a retirement home," says 60-year-old Cheng Gang. Others predict problems arising over different educational methods and disciplining children or cite eating habits as a potential sticking point, envisaging a lifetime debate of white bread mayonnaise sandwiches and salads or knuckly chicken bits and rice.

There are a multitude of serious issues that need to be addressed in a cross-cultural marriage - just like any other marriage really. In fact, differences in personal taste or even in the very nature of man and woman can sometimes be misconstrued as cultural misunderstandings and needlessly dissolve into tit-for-tat 'your people, my people' arguments.

The happiest couples seem to be open-minded, willing to accept and work through their differences in order to reconnect to those common values that created the attraction in the first place. It helps to remember to look objectively at one's own social and cultural intricacies. Whether it's mince pies and gluhwein at Christmas or dumplings and baijiu at Lunar New Year, the important thing is to remember that these are surface items that express the deeper yearnings of a culture for love, peace and happiness - not to mention a good party and a big feed.

Love is a potent human emotion that can transcend race, religion and culture - which are no match for real hurdles such as his lording over the TV remote, her hair in the bathroom, and the difficulties of toilet seat diplomacy. A different culture is just another piece of the puzzle for international lovers. But remember, it is compensated for by those extra frequent flyer miles. After all "you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person you can't live without."